Approval

“Success is intentional and deliberate.” ~Bo Porter, former MLB Player

A career is a never-ending game of chess that requires thoughtful movement. Anyone who has experienced any level of success will tell the same story; from the outside it appears to happen overnight. Few see first-hand the struggle, failure, shame, hard work, and sadness that lead to the moment when it clicks.

For many, the “click” serves as a catalyst for everything else: fame, fortune, heartache, excitement, and disappointment. For me, the “click” was certainly a catalyst to everything that happened next, though not all beneficial.

“We’re people who got into this line of work because we wanted people to like us, cause we were intrinsically insecure because we like the sound of people clapping because it made us forget about how much we feel like we’re not good enough.” ~Taylor Swift, Miss Americana

HOW WE’RE BUILT

When you think back to how you may have felt as a child: loved, encouraged, unsure, pushed, and hopeful probably all come to mind. As kids, we seek the approval of our parents for everything. From the time we are little, we look up to them when we fall to determine if we should cry or not; to our transition as adults, thinking “would my parents be proud of me?” No one knows us better than Mom and Dad, and if we’re lucky, they approve of our most authentic selves—it’s primal.

As a kid, I was always a performer. I enjoyed being loud, dressing up, singing, dancing, and being on stage. I had this fearless knack for making it look cavalier, albeit awkward at times, but effortlessly confident. I remember wandering over to the neighbors from the age of three to strike up a conversation, or whatever a three-year-old considers conversation, as they worked in their yard. My mother would often come by to ensure that I wasn’t being a bother. I would sit crisscross-applesauce in my diaper, chatting for hours with folks forty years my senior. As long as they smiled and laughed, I stayed put. I derived so much joy from those interactions; they were a sign of approval.

WHAT WE BECOME

Receiving praise as a child is the easy part, but one day we’re catapulted into the real world where approval takes on an entirely new meaning. Our circles grow larger and harsher, often causing our belief system about who we are and that being good enough to shatter. So begins the process of rebuilding.

As I became an adult, the applause was harder to obtain, but I craved it more. This need to be thought of as good was turned on its head. I wanted to be good, but my version of good. I wanted to stand out. I needed to find a way and do it in a rebellious way. If I was told I couldn’t do something, it made me want to do it more – “prove them wrong” became my motto.

The process of becoming a broadcaster epitomized that motto. It was hard, and no one thought I could, so I did it anyway. It was exciting at first, but I wasn’t prepared for what I’d face or who I’d become.

I’d built myself into this rebellious, hardworking, and confident woman. I was met by an industry that champions conformity. “Be relatable, but not approachable. Look pretty, but don’t wear too much makeup. Be authentic, but obedient. Girly, but not too girly. You’re a journalist, but you work for the team.” I made it to the big leagues and my job security suddenly became dependent on the public’s perception of me. The need for approval became suffocating.

Slowly, I began making small compromises, betrayals of my belief system. I stopped strategizing the game and instead started taking pieces off the board. These betrayals compounded; I went down a rabbit hole of depression, anxiety, and loneliness. I didn’t have anyone to talk to. My family would worry, and the experience was so unique that even my closest friends were at a loss for words.

I worked hard and I was nice to people which got me there, but I forgot why I was there. I lost that badass “prove them wrong” girl that began. Instead I smiled, faked it, and felt momentary escapes amidst the applause—a validation that I was good, but I’d return to my hotel room feeling empty.

“Align your personality with your purpose and no one can touch you.” ~Oprah

WHAT IS YOUR WHY

Everyone has the thing that makes them unique.

I was built for connection, to make people feel heard. Storytelling is my chosen medium, but I think of it as storytelling for the betterment of others. How can I leave the world a better place? How can I connect and inspire people through stories? How can I be the conduit to create something that lasts forever?

When I took a step back and reflected on my why I realized that my job wasn’t to be on TV and say what I was told. My job was to make fans feel a legitimate connection to their heroes on the field. The irony is, every athlete that I’ve ever spoken with also has a desire to be heard—not listened to but heard and seen. They want to be remembered as people both on and off the field.

That was the real “click”, the moment I took my power back; when I returned to the beginning and started with why. From there, strategy moved back to the forefront of all my efforts. I stepped back, looked at the board as a whole, and then began making individual moves again.

I’ll never forget going into my boss’s office and pitching ideas, ideas that I felt would reach a new generation of baseball players and fans and laddered up to my why. He responded by presenting me with a broadcasting book from the ‘80s. It was in that moment that I knew I wasn’t going to excel there. It was the dream job, but he had made up his mind about how things were supposed to go on the broadcast, so I left. No back-up plan. All along, I’d assumed the click was making it to the big leagues only to learn after all that, that THIS moment was the actual “click”. It was the moment that set me free.

A career is an endless game of chess. There will be numerous clicks throughout. Achieving a goal, landing a job, learning something new, resetting. When you discover your purpose and compromise nothing to stay true to that purpose, well that my friends, is when you’ll achieve checkmate.

You can find more of her work at shannonmford.com