The Magic Inside
“You impressed me,” he said, because that was the point of the whole endeavor. Until then, the purpose of my hard work and toil was to prove to him, as an individual, that I was worthy of some praise, some attention, his time. He reviewed the ins and outs of the interview process, and the points at which I had excelled. He picked apart my attributes and personality, seemingly so easy to decode, so formulaic and predictable, so devoid of magic. I was extremely flattered but disgusted with myself for feeling that way. Disappointed with the reality that I needed someone else to tell me that some of my best qualities do in fact exist.
Staring blankly at his sanguine face, so sincere in its misdirection, I saw a corporate titan at the top of his game but also the winner of a grueling, dehumanizing power struggle. A person who was so immersed in the corporate battle that he had perhaps become blind to it. Who no longer held the distance to see that life was not solely about his corporation; not to be lived as a crusade for a place at the top of it.
I began to think about a place at “the top”, about what it must mean to some leaders and how it appeared from my vantage point, an employee attempting to work my way up. I couldn’t help but think it involved sitting in a sun-drenched, modern office; analyzing other people, instead of being with them. Trapped in a designer cell. Did “the top” include gazing at tidy surroundings, hearing the silence of a pin drop or an assistant’s shoes shuffling down neutrally carpeted halls, with no people around? Does the journey to the “top” turn a person into a figurehead that succeeds instead of a human who communes? Separated as much by physical proximity as by a mode of thinking? Separated by the permission a person can give himself to judge others in relation to him? To reflexively trust his own opinion for truth?
Looking from the pictures on the desk and wall were grinning executives. Backs straight and hands outstretched, slaps on the back and smiles. Seeing God-only-knows-what as they peer towards the camera. Did they perceive anything at all? Or were they conditioned by the game to view the scene only as a moment of corporate achievement, missing entirely the broader world around them? Losing in their success the virtues that got them there, the ability to see others as they see themselves.
Placed at the center of their own spheres looking out, not thinking about the vastness of the universe and their tiny place in it; conflating the cosmos to the immediacy of whatever particular scene held them in the middle. The flash light of the flickering picture giving them a short burst of satisfaction. “I caused that flash of light,” they think subconsciously to themselves. “I’m worth the effort of the picture. I am the content that others want to see.” “See, I still exist. That person wants to take a picture of me. This other person wants to shake my hand. I’m still in it with other people. I haven’t totally lost myself….”
And then began to materialize the thought that I would try to silence for a year, the slow trickling realization that I didn’t belong there. Tiny but unrelenting, terrorizing in the ensuing discomfort and uncertainty. Despite the feelings of self-doubt and instability, like my well-orchestrated future was flowing in the breeze, windswept and fancy-free, as I desperately clung to predictability, I would, from that moment, learn to trust myself. I would see my achievements, my personality, my light for what they truly are - hard earned and, most importantly, uniquely mine. Not to be claimed, reframed and stolen by someone else, used up in furtherance of some unliving entity. Not to be minimized and made contingent on another person’s time and approval.
To all those out there who have been conditioned to believe that their value is derived from who they can serve and how they can please, know that this is wrong. You are the value. A third-party perception of you is not who you are; another person cannot define you. Only you and the magic inside of you can do that. That magic is your Hope, ever present and always rooting for you. It is God inside of you. There whether you recognize it or not. Whether you happen to feel it in the moment or think it’s gone away. There because it is as much a part of you as your nose or your mouth, perhaps more a part of you than any physical attribute. Perhaps it is all of you. Perhaps it is the one thing that remains after all of that is gone. After the corporation you’ve been devoted to has disintegrated back to the Earth. Swallowed up and never seen again. Nothing but a blip in ever moving, ever expanding time.
Our achievements, our personalities, our existence are uniquely ours to manage. We alone have the agency and, with that, the responsibility to make of ourselves and this life what we want. We do not become valuable because others see us that way; we do not lose value if they don’t. We are not here to manage other’s expectations or fit into their mold. We are here to create and fit into our own mold; or break it if we feel like it, and then create another.
At the end of this life, we will, with God (who is that Hope inside us) look at ourselves as if in the mirror and explore with reflection the life that we’ve lived during our brief stay on Earth. It is our estimation of ourselves, the way we’ve lived our lives in accordance with our own moral guidelines and character, that matters. God is the ultimate arbiter of truth and we, with God, are the ones who determine whether we are living in accordance with Hope’s message. No one else can do this for us.
When this point comes, will we, during this human life, have cultivated the agency to truly examine ourselves? Will we have our own moral guidelines? Will we understand our character? Will we have figured out how to independently think? Or will we have looked to others to define us? Have we given ourselves the space to determine these things? Or have we allowed another, a corporate leader perhaps, to do it for us?
Whoever you are, your life is precious. Take charge of it and define it for yourself. Do not stay in a cubicle (or corner office, or private jet, or whatever) and hold on tightly to the things you think you need or the image you’re desperate to maintain. Dance and giggle and figure it out through the pain and muck and heartache and joy. Jump out into the deep, dark, unexpected, glorious world and get used to the hair-raising feeling of looking for yourself. With Hope. Don’t give yourself away to anyone else, no matter how “impressive” they may think you are.